Her Hair

You may recall me mentioning the babe's amazingly awesome black hair.  My daughter was blessed with hair from her father's side of the family and while it has a few red streaks from my side, it is mostly just stunning black hair.

Last week as we were driving home from school (she is in the "extended program"), the babe asked me when she would be able to dye her hair.  We were at a red light and I had to turn my head around to look at her and see if she was being serious.  She continued, "when am I going to be old enough to dye my hair, Mama?"

I took a deep breath and asked her why she wanted to dye her hair.  She told me she wanted it to be blonde like a lot of the girls at school.  My heart sank.  I told her what I just told you above, "Sweet heart, you have amazing black hair and you are lucky to have it.  You don't need to look like everyone else."  

This all reminded me of an independent film my husband and I watched recently called Shades of Ray. The 2008 film is about a twenty-something American man raised by his white mother and Pakistani father.  Throughout the movie he questions his identity and struggles to figure out a way to "fit in" despite the fact he is from a mixed family.

The film struck a chord with me.  It had me wondering if my kids will have similar experiences growing up in a pretty white culture and if they will struggle with their half and half identity (my husband is of Indian descent - the South Asian kind).  Is the babe's desire to dye her hair blonde at age 5 just the beginning of a longer process or was it just a one off experience?  I have a feeling it may be the former.

While Washington, D.C. is culturally diverse and there are a lot of kids of mixed descent, you can still easily find yourself in a room full of only white people.  Is that something the babe is starting to notice?
I suppose all I can do is help guide her as she starts to figure out her place in the world.  I truly hope both my kids realize how cool it is to come from such a rich background and that they'll be able to use that knowledge in positive ways as they become their own people.  

Thanks, Mom!

My last post was thanking my husband.  This one is to thank my Mom.

When I heard my husband would be leaving town for work for 10 to 14 days I had a bit of a panic attack.  That is really beyond the amount of time I feel comfortable being a single parent.  So I called my Mom and subtly let her know that she would be more than welcome to come down for a visit.

She immediately went online, found a good flight on points, and after calling back to check, went ahead and booked an 8 day stay.  And what a joy it was to have her with us for the past week.  As she said this morning over our last shared coffee of the visit, the days were long but the week flew by.  I told her I think that's what it's like when you hang out with little people so much.

In the time she was here we managed to go swimming, to numerous parks, and to a puppet show.  I also managed to have a massage (at the budget training school near my home), to go clothes shopping, and to go grocery shopping all by myself.  Not only that, but we also booked a babysitter on Saturday night and went for a fabulous Italian meal at DeCarlo's Restaurant in DC.

I was exhausted and overwhelmed when she arrived, and I am blessed to have a Mom who swooped in and helped with all the details of life with my kids.  The cooking, the cleaning, the playing and the general tickidy boom of the house hold went so much smoother because she was here.

I am lucky to have such a great Mom.  And I am grateful we enjoy each others company so much.

She flew back to Canada today and we will miss her.  But guess who arrives from Canada tomorrow?  My Mother in Law!  We have back to back coverage and the kids and I are blessed.  As my husband said the morning he flew home from his most recent business trip, "I love my family."

Cute Things

My son turned 20 months old today, so I was planning on going on about that. There's a lot I could say about the fact that 20 months have quickly passed us by, but I think I want to share a few very cute stories about the babe, instead.

As we were driving to the park this morning, the babe asked if I could open her window (we finally had a fresh day today).  I opened it less than half way.  She was trying to stick her hands toward the outside and asked if I could open it just a bit more.  I complied with her request and put it down a bit more.  She then told me it was good to get fresh air into her bones.  After being stuck indoors because of the RIDICULOUS WEATHER that we have experienced in DC this summer, all I can say is, how true my love, how very true.

We had a lovely play date at the park, but sadly the babe didn't listen when it was time to leave.  Despite the fact she had promised she would leave when I said it was time to go (yes, I had believed her when she made the promise), the babe was completely rude and uncooperative.  I was fuming mad when we finally got to the car after her little episode and proceeded to ban all treats, desserts, hanging out in the bath tub at bed time playing, and bed time stories (no, not forever.  Just for today). 

I was reiterating these punishments as we got back from the hardware store just before dinner.  It was pretty late and I had a bunch of stuff to do in the kitchen, so I mentioned she was allowed to watch TV while I prepared dinner.  She looked at me very serious like, and said, "but TV is dessert for the eyes, Mama."  

All I can say is, how true my love, how very true.

Hi Everyone

I haven't forgotten you.  I swear. I think of you all many times every day and I wish I could be sharing all my thoughts with you.  But I honestly haven't been sitting down for quality time with the computer of late.

My awesome and uber helpful Mom just left last night.  She was with us for 11 days and we accomplished a lot.  She is an amazing organizer and packer and kept things moving along.  From packing our stuff, to doing our laundry, to feeding my kids and wiping their dirty bums, my Mom was there for me.  It was not always pretty, but we made it through a very crazy time together as a family.  I hope I will be able to do the same for my kids one day.

Buying your first home and then embarking on a ton of repairs is nuts.  All those nights of watching Home Garden TV couldn't have prepared me for what has happened in the past month.  But I remain so very, very excited to move into our new place.  It's not ready and nor are we, but in the next month it will all come together, I'm sure.

With both kids at home, I am now rather limited in terms of what I can achieve in a day (like meeting numerous contractors and hauling 3 car loads of stuff over before dinner).  But I figure we did so much work that I'm going to try and have some fun with the babe before she returns to school on September 1st.  The kids have been holed up here far too much and while I got a lot of work done, they have not had all the summer adventures they were supposed to have (2 weeks in Canada and a week at the beach).  Watching Mickey and Dora while Mom and Nana pack is not going to make up for that.

So hopefully we can make the most of the last few days of summer vacation and just have some fun.  Because we are all due for some.

The Weekend Date

If I ever need to remind myself of what it's like to hang out with a great kid, I just have to go on a Mama/Babe date.  It's not that she doesn't have her moments of greatness at home, but there's something different about her when we're out together without her Papa and brother. 

We had another awesome outing today and I was so happy to spend time alone with my daughter.  While we were driving to the Goodwill, I happened to call her "sweetie pie." She then asked me if I could call her that every day, and I said I'd be happy to.

I love it when it's just her and I, and so does she.  Her behavior is exemplary, and I almost forget how absolutely nuts she can be at other times of the week.  She just likes having me all to herself and I suppose I am embracing the fact that one-on-one time is a critical component of being the Mother of 2 kids.

The success of our recent adventures has made me wonder what it would be like to take the babe on a weekend train trip to NYC.  But I'm getting way ahead of myself.  I'm just basking in the relief that she can be a "normal" kid sometimes, and that we can have those Mother/Daughter moments you see in the movies (not that I want a "normal kid" or to have my life reflect the movies!).

Breaking Point

Some days the kids are just whiny and annoying, like today.  I had hopes that we'd have a smooth day that would involve watching some World Cup soccer.  By the time the US versus UK match was on, the kids were melting down, despite the fact they'd just woken up from naps.

I was cagey, frustrated, anxious and needed to blow off steam. It just gets to a point where everything rubs you the wrong way.  My observant husband suggested I go for a walk.  So I threw on my flip flops and left the house with no destination in mind.  I recalled a house for sale that I wanted to walk by, so off I went.

On the way, I passed by a house with 3 younger girls and a Mother fighting (in French) on their front porch.  I couldn't help but stare at what was, I'd guess, the ultimate breaking point for this Mother.  She was screaming and grabbed one of the girls by the pony tail and yanked her head back.  I'm sure she was holding herself back.  They didn't even notice me walking by as the situation was obviously so intense and all consuming.  The Mom managed to direct all the girls inside, and as I walked by I heard the front door slam hard and the Mother's continued screams inside.

As parents we are tested in so many ways, every day.  Parenthood puts us into the most annoying and frustrating situations and sometimes we just can't keep our cool.  It is like a volcano that just has to erupt.  It feels good to let it rip, but we usually regret it once the lava has spewed everywhere and we're left to clean up the pieces.  But we can't always be perfect.  And I will be the first to admit that most folks on this block have seen me freaking out at my kids as I try to heard them to the car or back into the house.  We aren't always at our best, and that's the reality of it.

Anyway, I felt so bad after walking by this scene that I decided on the spot that I was going to go home and get the kids into their UV protective swim wear and turn on the sprinkler.  The kids were nuts when I got home, but I got them suited up and we hit the outdoors with a burst of excitement.

It was the best thing we could have done.  They had an awesome time and I got to sit on the porch and watch them play together.  A moment of bliss in an otherwise annoying day.  Hang in there parents....no day can be perfect, and neither can we.

The Babe

Every day provides me with numerous stories to share.  But I can't share them all because I don't have time to write them, and you don't have time to read them.

If you had asked me last night what I would be writing about today, I would not have said that I'd be gushing about how awesome, sweet and smart my daughter is (needless to say, we didn't have a good day at Casa Ryan Jyoti).

But here I am, about to share some of my daughter's awesomeness with you.

This morning we stopped off at the mail box (about 2 blocks away) on the way to school to send Grandpa's Father's Day card.  The babe loves putting the mail into the mail box, so I make an effort to involve her when the post item is something she worked on.  We dropped the card in and as we were getting back into the car, the babe shouted, "Look, Mama, it's the water truck going to our house!"  I turned around expecting to see a garbage truck or some other random truck, but indeed, it was the water truck.  And it was indeed OUR water truck as they were scheduled to come by this morning (we recently upgraded our drinking water as DC is not known for its quality tap water).  Not bad for a 3.5 year old.

Then on the car ride we were talking about the babe's old babysitter and how she'd be coming over in a few weeks because of Mama and Papa's 5 year wedding anniversary.  She asked if she could come out to dinner with us, I said no (and explained why), and then she asked me if I was going to wear a dress?  Apparently I should wear a dress because that is what you should do for wedding anniversaries....oh, and it should apparently be white.

And the last super sweet story occurred after we parked and the babe was picking random items up off the ground before getting in the stroller with her brother.  She picked up part of a leaf and said, "Look Mama, a maple syrup leaf."  Now how freakin CUTE is that???

I love my kid.

Our Date

She looked so beautiful.  My daughter.  Splashing in the water.  Her eyes sparkling, her smile wide and bright and her giggles infectious.  We were in a pool with a kazillion other kids and parents, but it felt like we were in a happy little water bubble together. 

Today the babe and I went on our first mother-daughter swimming date.  Just her and I.  I thought we needed something special to do that we could look forward to every weekend.  I wanted to plan something we could do together that was fun, active and easy.  While we have sporadically gone on dates in the past, I have not been good about ensuring they occur with any regularity.  And they certainly haven't been anything as cool as swimming.

There is an amazing indoor public pool in our neighborhood and I have only taken advantage of it once (with the little guy).  It has been a long time since the babe and I swam together and I want to teach her to love and respect the water.  I grew up in the pool and have always felt at home in the water.  And watching the babe today it was clear that she is ready to embrace it as well. She kept kicking, moving her arms and copying the other kids who were swimming without their parent's help.  She was brave and dunked her head under the surface numerous times.  It scared the you know what out of her but she did it again and again.

When it was time to go, we bundled up in our towels, thanked the lifeguard, showered together, and got dressed.  There were no tantrums or melt downs of any kind. 

As we got ready, we chatted with another mother and daughter (although about 20 years older than us) in the change room.  Turns out they too had been on a swim date.  We discussed the importance of remembering all the things you need for trips to the pool (I had forgotten a critical piece of my wardrobe).  And strangely enough we later bumped into them at Starbucks. Apparently this is a mother-daughter date we can enjoy for many years to come.

Letting Go

This week, as you know, I have been trying harder with the babe.

I am trying to be more affectionate, positive, encouraging, patient, loving and supportive.  Since the little guy was born almost 1.5 years ago, I think I have not given the babe the attention she deserves.  No one is perfect, but I think I owe the babe more.

As her favorite words are "I want to do it," I have been letting go more and letting her do "it," whatever "it" is.  I am trying to take a step back so that she can learn and feel needed.  I am trying to let go of my inner control freak, and to embrace being a Mom who lets her kids learn through trial and error.

On Wednesday I hosted my book club, and I got the babe involved in getting ready.  She helped cut the pita, transfer olives into a bowl, and fold napkins.  These tasks took a really long time, but I could tell they made her feel important.  That was a good feeling.

Last night I let her water our new garden. The promise of watering the garden was the only thing that made our trip home from school pleasant.  She knew what we were going to do and she was into it.  I had also promised she could help prepare the corn on the cob.  So we sat on the floor and peeled the corn skins back and made a big mess.  The babe was involved in making dinner, and she liked it.  And you know what, I liked it to.

What I'm realizing is that I have to keep trying.  I have to keep thinking up projects for her.  I have to keep her involved and active.  I have to let her make mistakes.  And I have to learn to let go.

Water

Just in from watering the garden with the babe.  I am really glad we made the effort and got this project going.  It is so good for both of us.  And I happen to have a husband who has an amazing ability to check if I watered the garden every day.  It's funny how nurturing our garden appears to be nurturing our family.  I have a good feeling about this.

Try

I said I was going to try.  And I have spent the whole day thinking and worrying about the babe and my relationship with her.

I was kind of dreading after school today.  As it is a sunny and beautiful day I decided to buck up and bring the kids to the park.  I chose the park by the babe's school where I knew there would be kids she knew.  I also made her promise she wouldn't freak out and have a tantrum when it was time to leave.  She agreed.  We even chose a special word that I could use to indicate that I was serious.

Within 5 minutes of getting there the little girl who the babe bit on Tuesday showed up with her Mom.  I was nervous as I am still bothered by the babe's behavior and suspension.  The girls noticed each other and automatically started playing together.  The bitee's Mom came over and we started chatting.  I couldn't stop looking at her daughter's wrist.  That's because her daughter's wrist was bruised and had a small healing scab.  I couldn't stop thinking that my daughter's teeth had caused that damage.  But if you looked at the 2 of them together you'd never guess that such an incident had just occurred. 

I took the opportunity to thank the Mom for how she had handled the babe's apology yesterday morning.  She reassured me not to worry and that all was well.  It gave me the power to get over it....because apparently everyone else has.

And when it was time to go, I told the babe, and she came over and hopped in the stroller.  No complaints.  In fact it was the little guy who freaked out this time.  I'm glad I tried. And I'm glad she tried. 

A Brand New Day

From the comments I received from you all, I feel like I'm not alone.  My daughter may appear to be bipolar at times, but she is actually just a normal 3.5 year old.  Thank God for that.  And thank you for sharing your experiences with me. 

I just got off the phone with the Director of the babe's school.  I have struggled all day with how to handle the biting/physical outbursts issue.  I thought about calling the pediatrician to see if they knew of any anger management classes for 3 year olds.  I thought about scheduling an official sit down meeting with the babe's school.  Instead I just picked up the phone and called.  I was transferred to the Director immediately and she spent 10 minutes talking to me. 

To sum it all up, they think the babe is a super intelligent, sweet, and charismatic girl who is in a period of transition.  She has only been in school since September and this has been a big change for her.  Especially as she bumped up to the full day program in January.  I need to take the time to be with her one on one and let her know just how special she is to me.  She knows the little guy and I are alone together all day and she is jealous.  After 2 years of having me all to herself, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  Her brain is also exploding with knowledge and sometimes it's just plain overwhelming.

My husband and I have spoken to her at length about yesterday's behavior.  We have gone over the need to use our words, control our bodies, take deep breaths, and to stop and think.  We have explained that hands are not for hitting and mouths are not for biting.  And we have told her we love her and know she is a good girl.

The staff at the school approached today as a brand new day with the babe.  They were all positive and loving and I felt so good about leaving her with them.  On the way to school we ran into the mother of the little girl the babe bit.  I was nervous, but she was gracious, kind and supportive.  When the babe apologized to her, she could not have handled it better.

Today IS a brand new day and I am going to try and handle it as such.  I want that little girl to feel loved, even if that means I have to internalize my running commentary.  I have to accept that I need to pick my battles, and running around at full speed with a crocodile xylophone is not something worth yelling over.  It takes 2 to tango and I think that if I'm asking her to try harder, I have to be willing to do the same.

In The Ground

Today was the day.

I got over my fear and went to the gardening store where I bought 3 tomato plants, 2 cucumber plants, and a red pepper and purple pepper plant.  I also got some yummy organic top soil.

The babe and I then had a hard core gardening session.  We worked the soil (for the third time), ripped out left over weeds, and then dug holes and planted the little veggie plants.  After about 2 hours of non-stop gardening related action, we stood back and basked in our glory.  Seven plants in the ground.  How cool is that?  I'll post pics for you soon.

I have never had a vegetable garden and neither has the babe.  It is a first for both of us and I'm so excited we get to do this together.  I will be thrilled if we actually get some real food out of all this!  If anything, it brought us closer together (even if it was only for a few hours) and created a bonding bubble of gardening bliss.

Needless to say, my back is aching and I'm wiped.  Time for a hot shower and some delicious sleep.  I'd like to think it is well deserved!

Activities, Anyone?

Hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey. Welcome to my world. The Montreal Canadiens have been playing the Washington Capitals in the playoffs, and it has been a big part of our life lately (my husband is a huge Montreal fan and we just happen to live in Washington, DC).

Guess what we're doing right now? Guess what we did last night (the Ottawa Senators, which is my official team, is also in the playoffs)? A whole lotta hockey going on.

Anyway. My folks are in town from Ottawa which is absolutely lovely. It is so great seeing them interact with their only grandchildren. I've noticed that this has been a really nice visit in that the kids are much more "under control" than they have been in the past. As you may know, the first few years with itsy bitsy children in the house are crazy. Things are in flux and new parents are trying to keep in the game. This is the first visit from my folks where I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my parenting. And you know what? It feels good!

In other news I have been struggling to keep my daughter from freaking out after school every day. Spring is in the air and that has created some serious outdoor expectations. The babe's after school greeting is now: "Mama, where can we go now?" It's as if our home isn't good enough.

Many days end in screaming and tears before we've even made it home from school. And I honestly am trying to keep her entertained and active. Some days I do the park, which is exceptionally challenging with 2 very active kids. Some days I think of some other activity, such as the library last Monday, to keep us occupied. But no matter what I think up, it always ends in more tears when it's time to pack up and go home. Seriously, even if I give her what she wants, she's still angry at me for dragging her home. If I have this much trouble with a 3 year old, I am extremely nervous about our future.

Speaking of after-school activities, this week we started a whole new phase of life....soccer. Yes, she's only 3, but she is now on a soccer "team" of 3 year olds in Bethesda, MD. On Tuesday, I officially became a "Soccer Mom." If you knew me a few years back, you'd appreciate how humorous this new title is. At least I'm not driving a mini van, yet (no offense to all you mini van drivers).

To make it even more humorous, I baked brownies for the school bake sale on Wednesday. They just happen to be raising money for the local park. Can't say no to that, now can you?

Sometimes I wonder where "I" went...and then I remember that I have willingly created this new reality for myself. No point fighting it. Might as well embrace it. Here's to soccer practice, hockey playoffs, the annoying and distracting park, and being an egg free, dairy free, peanut free, tree nut free, brownie baking, stay-at-home Mom.

The Babe Turns 3

Three years ago today I had my first child.

It was an unbelievable and surreal experience that resulted in a beautiful little girl. Our world changed for the better.

The babe, with her innocence, beauty and youth, has given me everything, and I in return, have tried to give her everything. Neither of us is perfect (granted she is a tad younger than me), but that's what makes it interesting. Our love and our bond is forever.

I am so very grateful to have an intelligent, beautiful, feisty daughter and although the past three years have been challenging, they have made me a better person. I am in love with my daughter and I celebrate our three years together. Here's to many, many more.

Broken Record

I am getting sick of the sound of my own voice. I feel like a broken record these days. If you hit play, these are some of the things you will likely hear:

• Be careful please
• Are your ears open? Are you doing good listening?
• Did you hear what I said?
• Out of your mouth
• Soft touch please
• No hitting
• No, we don't do that
• Did you hear what I said?
• Good girl!
• We don't play with our food, we eat our food.
• OK, I'm going to count to 3
• Do you want a time out?
• Can you take it down a notch? Inside voice please.
• Good listening monkey!
• Do you need to do pee pee on the potty?
• Fait nice do do (this is part of our sleep time ritual). I'll check on you soon (this is another part of our sleep time ritual). Back in your room (also part of the sleep time ritual)!
• Please don't touch your brother that way
• Please stop whining!
• Can you wait just a minute/Can you give me a second?
• I'll be right back
• Is that how you talk to me?

And my favorite:

• I love you SO MUCH!!!

Testing Me

The babe is challenging me constantly. And not in a good way. I am very ready for her to go to school in September. Despite the fact she may one day read this, I have to admit I am loving my time with the little guy, and enduring the time with the babe. Some people love the toddler stage, whereas I am quickly realizing that I do not have the patience required. I know I need to try harder, be more calm, and try to be a bit more creative with her, but most of the time I'm just trying to get through the day without losing it on her.

We had friends over for dinner on Saturday night and while we sat at the table eating, the babe (who was supposed to be watching "educational" cartoons) took a crayon and drew on the living room wall and then on the front door. Last week she hit her brother (still a baby) on the head 3 times. Yesterday morning she hit me. The day before she tried to bite me. She has kicked me countless times (intentionally I might add) while I am changing her diaper (which I am very sick of doing). She can also be abusive with her little friends. Last week she bludgeoned a worm to death with a stick. That can't be a good sign, can it?

One of her new favorites is, "No, YOU don't talk to me that way." I have replied that I can talk to her any way I want because I am her mother. She replies, "No, you're NOT my mother."

When asked why she did something (always a naughty something), she will usually reply, "Because I DO THAT sometimes."

What happened to my sweet little baby girl? Is this going to happen to the little guy as well, or is this just the babe's personality coming out in full force? No one told me having a baby was easier than having a toddler (except for the continued sleep deprivation). Does that mean it's just going to keep getting harder and harder?

She makes me want to run back to the land of the employed (gasp)...but that would mean I couldn't be with the little guy, and I can not even ponder that possibility. I suppose I must soldier on until school begins. I think we will all be ready when it does.

But it's not all bad. The babe can be really sweet to me at times and she is really cute when she's sleeping. Count my blessings, right?

Saying Goodbye

I always cry like a baby when she leaves. This past Friday my mom boarded the shuttle bus to Dulles airport after a 5 day visit. One minute she was playing with her only grandchild and the next minute she was gone. It always happens that way. The time she spends with us goes by so quickly and all of a sudden the babe and I are alone again. I must admit I felt extremely lonely as I waited for my husband to come home from work that night.

It's tough when you don't live in the same city as your loved ones. It never used to be a real issue for me, but now that I have a baby, I am really missing having family (especially my mom) close by. I'm glad they are willing to make the trek to DC and I'm grateful the babe and I have survived a few successful trips up North ourselves. It's just not the same as being able to drop by for Sunday brunch or to have a trusted babysitter available when you need one.

I've now realized the babe may one day feel the way I did as I watched the shuttle bus drive away. The mother-daughter bond is pretty intense. Much has been written about it, and for good reason. It is a complex yet simple love thick with layers of strong emotion.

My husband will frequently comment on how much the babe loves me. He will remind me that I am pretty much everything to her. On most days that will give me the warm fuzzies. I love being her sun and moon and stars. She is certainly these things to me.

Just as I am a new mother, my own mother is a new grandmother. My mom says she can't really describe how wonderful it is. Her time with the babe is precious. I guess that's why it breaks my heart when the babe and I have to say goodbye to her. There's just something special about having three generations of mother-daughter love together, if only for a short while.