My Failed Attempt at a Real Simple Essay Contest

Last fall, I read about an essay contest in Real Simple magazine. The essay question was: What is the bravest thing you have ever done?

At the time, I was looking to write more, so I figured I would jump into the contest. How cool would it be to be published in Real Simple? I conveniently forgot I would probably be up against thousands of entries.

The winning essay (which is extremely touching and well done) was published in this month's issue. And while I didn't win first, second, or third place, I thought I'd share my submission here.

I'd like to say that, despite my serious initial struggles with becoming a mother, I'm really happy with where I am now, so please don't worry that I'm in a pit of parenting despair or anything!

As always, feel free to share any thoughts.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I don’t consider myself brave. I’ve never run into a burning building to save a person or fought a life-threatening disease.

But if I had to nail bravery down to one act, I’d have to say that walking away from my career and becoming a stay-at-home-mom was by far the bravest thing I’ve ever done.

I became a parent at the age of 31. I’d been working full-time in non-profit communications and public affairs for a number of years in New York City and then Washington, D.C. My job took me all over the country and I felt blessed to have it.

Some come into parenthood easily. I am not one of those people. From the induced labor forward, I struggled desperately with motherhood. Looking back, it’s clear I suffered from some level of postpartum depression. I was getting no sleep, my baby girl was struggling with issues I couldn’t figure out (we know now that she suffers from severe food allergies), and I felt trapped. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.

About two weeks after my daughter’s birth, we celebrated Christmas with my family (who had lovingly made the trek from Canada to D.C. to visit us for the holiday). The Ryan family loves Christmas. But as much as we tried, Christmas 2006 was not the same as years past.

I can vividly remember getting out of the shower right before for Christmas dinner (my Mom calling from downstairs that the food was ready) and breaking down in tears. My heavy breasts were leaking milk all over my stomach and blood was draining from the wounds of having given birth to a 9 pound 6.5 ounce baby only weeks before. At that moment, on one of my favorite days of the year, I imagined what it would be like to walk in front of a truck and put an end to the misery. Pretty dark stuff.

I dreaded every night. As much as my husband tried to help, he had to perform at work and needed to get some sleep. I felt so alone and scared when bed time would roll around. My child would not sleep, which meant I could not sleep. And I am one of those people who really need their sleep (as in eight hours a night). The cycle of sleepless nights and lonely days left me desperate, at times. I sadly never reached out for any help. Perhaps motherhood was supposed to be this hard? People had always told me you don’t know how hard it is until you do it. But this seemed extreme.

We lived in a small row house in a central neighborhood at the time. Every morning I would stand in front of our living room window watching all of the “worker bees” head towards their various workplaces. They looked so fresh and well dressed. They walked with such purpose. They were like I used to be, and what I still wanted to be.

The United States is the only industrialized country in the world without guaranteed paid maternity leave. I was lucky my place of employment offered eight weeks.

Before I knew it, those eight weeks had passed by in a foggy haze of depression, dirty diapers, constant breast feeding, swaddling, shooshing and exhaustion (I now understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture). Most days, I couldn’t think straight. I had a lot of what I called “no drive” days because I would have been too much of a hazard on the road.

Clinging to the idea that I would go back to work, I took advantage of 12 weeks leave provided by the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). I figured that would give me time to get my head screwed back on properly, or to magically snap back into the person I was before becoming a mother.

As the seasons shifted from Winter to Spring, I would day dream about how amazing it would be to sit at my desk and catch up on emails while drinking hot coffee. I would imagine how sweet it would feel to board a plane solo for meetings in another city. How I would be able to sleep all alone in a nice, quiet hotel room. How I would only have to worry about taking care of myself and my professional commitments. And to converse with intelligent adults? Oh, how divine. How could I have taken it all for granted?
As I slowly made my way out of the fog of new motherhood, I realized that having a small baby and a full-time career wasn’t going to blend as easily as I had first anticipated. If I was going back to work, I would need quality child care that would cover my travel schedule and allow my husband and I the flexibility to continue with our professional commitments (he’s in consulting and has an unreliable schedule).

Frankly, I wasn’t making the kind of money that would easily cover the additional expenses of child care, dry cleaning, daily lunches, etc. How far ahead financially would I need to come out to make going back to work worth it? Or should I be working simply because I was not cut out to be a full-time, at-home parent? What was best for me? And what was best for my little family?

The answers to those questions changed as rapidly as the diapers I was changing. One moment I would be sure I had to go back to the office. How could I have invested all those years in school to now sabotage everything I had worked so hard to build professionally? The next moment I would think of how fast my beautiful (and still extremely difficult and exhausting) daughter was growing and how it would be such a shame to miss out on all those “firsts.” I knew in my heart that as shaky a job as I was doing, no one else was going to try to soothe and comfort her like I was.  

I had become a mom and I was slowly realizing that my identity had profoundly shifted.

And here’s where the bravery part kicks in. About half way through my FMLA leave, I met my boss for a lunch date, ordered a glass of white wine, and quit my job. He knew it was coming...even if I hadn’t been willing to admit it to myself for months.

I had absolutely no plan. How long would I be home for? How would I fill our days? And what about all the other jobs I was taking on? I was now CEO of our family and that came with some serious responsibility.

I became the house cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry doing, dinner making, stay-at-home mom. I had to shake off my old “worker bee” identity and try to embrace this new, and frankly, much less glamorous identity. And I realized I was lucky to have the choice.

There were many bumps along the path to finding our family “groove.” Especially as we threw another baby into the mix two years after my daughter’s birth. I frequently questioned my parenting abilities (or lack thereof). I wondered why I still struggled while other moms made it look so easy (especially the moms working outside of the home! How did they do it?). I’m embarrassed to admit this, but it was a good five years before I felt like I (mostly) had a handle on everything.

On tough days, my old “worker bee” identity would pop out and reprimand my current “stay-at-home” identity for having given up my job. To this day, almost seven years into it, I can’t help but wonder how far I could have gone if I had stuck with my career. I’ll never know. While I’ve been doing some freelance writing, my old career path is dead.

It’s funny because I probably could have written the same essay if I had made the opposite choice. Going back to work, as the majority of new moms do, would have been extremely brave. But for me, walking away from my career was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. I’m proud of what I did and I’d like to think it was really brave.

The Nannies at the Park

I'm on the neighborhood list serve so I can "keep on top of things."

A couple of this week's posts made me stop and think.  And I'd like to start off by saying that I'm not anti-Nanny, but as a Mother who spends a lot of time at the park, I do agree with these comments. 

I'm not saying all Nannies are bad.  They are not.  I am also not trying to generalize (in fact I met a great Nanny just this morning).  But there are a lot of negligent care takers out there and I'm sure the parents who employ them would be horrified at the lack of care and attention being directed to their children.  Just something to think about.

From the list serve:

Re: NANNIES @ TURTLE PARK

Are you confident that your Nanny is properly caring for you child?

I have been taking my grandchildren to Turtle Park this spring and summer. I have been overwhelmed at the poor quality of child care being provided to the young children who come to the park with their nannies. I have been hesitant to post something, but today after observing a nanny hitting a child, a nanny talking on her cell phone unaware that her charge had fallen & was crying and a child open the gate and leave the area without being noticed by the nanny, I am posting this asking families to make unannounced visits to Turtle Park at a time your child and nanny plan to be there.

I am a retired Early Childhood Educator with over 35 years experience. I would fire many of the care providers I have observed this summer. They are regularly completely distracted by their cell phone conversations or their adult group conversations.

I hope that you can find a time to observe and ensure that your little ones are receiving the quality of care you are expecting.

Re: NANNIES @ TURTLE PARK

I've seen the exact same thing and would be horrified for most of the the local Nannies I've witnessed to care after our child.

While at Turtle Park some weeks ago, I saw a toddler vomiting in to the side of the sandbox while his Nanny continued talking on the phone; almost like she couldn't be bothered to attend to him.

Crazy

Om

Despite all the belly aching in my last post, I actually have it pretty good.

Today I did something I've never done before. The little guy and I went to a 'Baby and Mama' yoga class at my old studio in Dupont Circle. It was very cute and I really enjoyed it, despite the fact that babies like to interrupt the yoga practice quite frequently. I have gotten quite into yoga in the past, and have dropped the practice just as many times. The whole having 2 babies thing has definitely moved yoga down my list of priorities over the past 3 years, despite the fact I'd probably be a lot more sane if I kept it nearer to the top of the list.

A lot of the folks there were first time parents. I found myself telling one woman struggling with going back to work that I didn't regret quitting my job 2 1/2 years ago. I was actually blabbing on about how rewarding it is to be your baby's primary care giver full time. It's a good thing she wasn't hanging out with me yesterday.

I was struck by another funny thing. First time parents are really slow at diaper changing. I was amazed at the sweet way in which they dealt with the process. I am definitely at the down and dirty stage of my diaper changing career.

Anyway, I may actually do the class again. Perhaps it is equivalent to watching TV and eating bon bons. The fact that it's in my old neighborhood is also a bonus. It ends up being an expensive outing when you factor in our marvelous babysitter for the babe, but I figure it's a well deserved treat for the little guy and I. After all, it's best to start 'em young with good habits!

Perspective

I just returned from a bulk shopping trip to Costco with the little guy. Our awesome new babysitter was with the babe at the park, so I was free to do my thing. I've only made it out there once since the little guy was born as it's a 40 minute drive and I just can't handle 2 kids there. So I have been making a HUGE shopping list (in my head) for a few months. Today was the day to make it all happen.

While I was there I spoke with 2 other Mamas. One was struggling to get a baby in a car seat into the top portion of the cart and I asked if the carts were difficult to use with the car seats as I was about to do the same thing. We briefly chatted about our babies and she then informed me she had 3 more kids in the car to deal with. Wow. And I can't handle going shopping with 2! I saw her later getting juice samples for 2 of the 4 kids and it looked a little crazy. I don't know how she could manage to shop and keep an eye on all of them. Madness, I say!

The next Mama was in front of me in the check out. She had a 10 week old and a 2 year old. I told her she was stronger than I as I had left my 2 1/2 year old behind. She then told me she had 2 other kids at home and shopping with just 2 was a treat. Yikes. A treat indeed.

So, I guess what my morning shopping trip taught me is that I need to keep things in perspective. Although having 2 kids is a constant challenge for me, it could be way worse!

First Day

I got in my Mom's car at about 7:45 this morning to drive to my documentary course in Gatineau, Quebec. I was tired (up with the babe at 5:30 am) and as I mentioned yesterday, nervous. I turned on the CD player unsure of what I'd find (as I mentioned, it's my Mom's car). "Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones came blasting out as I hit the road. Sticky Fingers ended up being the perfect sound track for my morning commute.

So, I wanted to report on a few things:

• it appears as though my brain is still working and I am still able to interact with adults regarding non-child related matters
  
• I am having no trouble being away from the babe during working hours (yippee)
  
• the babe is apparently enjoying hanging with her Grandparents. She did a few trips to the park, a two hour nap, and some gardening in the back yard. She asked for me a few times, but nothing serious (I would have actually been offended if she hadn't asked for me). Not bad for her first full day away from Mom and Dad.
• to follow up on the babe's speaking progress, she can now say her name (although she misses the "r"). If you ask her what her name is, she will announce it to you proudly. It's very cute.
  

Anyway, today was an exciting first. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

My First 6 Months as a Dependent Homemaker

I watch them walk by our house every morning. They’re off to their real jobs and I’m home in my pajamas. This is where my real job is now. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had, but doesn’t seem to hold the clout it deserves in today’s world. My daughter turns 6 months old today and I’m just so proud and relieved that we’ve made it this far.

The official leave from my “real” job is about to end. I was the first new parent at my office to ever take advantage of the 16 unpaid weeks granted by the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). That combined with my vacation and paid leave gave me a nice chunk of time. But that time is up as of today. I was due back at the office tomorrow morning. But I decided I’m not going back.

As I’m Canadian, I’ve had to switch my visa from a worker to a dependent. I’ve held various jobs in the US over the past 7 years and have always had my own visa and income. I am now on my husband’s visa and I wonder when it will start to feel normal. It doesn’t help that we’re in the process of getting life insurance and my job title on all the paperwork is “homemaker” with an annual income of 0 dollars. I now get a monthly “pay check” from my husband with “Mommy Duty” written in the memo section (we’re not organized enough to do our banking at the same place).

All that said, I know I’m not ready to have someone else take care of my daughter. But at the same time, I still want to have the respect I had when I was working (from who, I’m not sure). I want to know that I can take this time off to be with her and not be punished for it when I decide it’s time to go back to the office. Sadly, that doesn’t appear to be something I can expect. My old boss has told me to be careful about how long I take off as it could affect my future prospects.

It’s so sad that the new skills I’m developing will not be appreciated in the traditional work place. I have to be on call 24-7 as a new Mom. I never know what the day has in store and I always have to be ready for some emergency or other. The stress and exhaustion I have felt in the past 6 months doesn’t compare to any of the toughest work challenges I’ve faced in my career (maybe my jobs weren’t tough enough?).

Some days I really miss sitting in peace at my desk with a coffee and my email. Now I’m lucky if I can be on the computer for 5 minutes before my daughter loudly indicates her displeasure and jealousy. Other days I miss having a reason to get dressed in the morning. Pajamas or jeans/sweats, sneakers/flip flops and a T-shirt have become my new uniform. And my own pay check is something I’m sure I will continue to miss until I have one again.

It’s been 6 months. I don’t know what the future holds in store for me or my family. What I do know is that I’ve made the right decision for us now, and that’s all that really matters. On the challenging days I remind myself that jobs come and go but this time in my daughter’s life will never happen again and I’m extremely lucky to be here to experience it with her.