A Belated Thank You

I never told you the story about the woman I sat next to on the train from DC to NYC last month.  She was in her 50s, I'm guessing, and was on her way home for a one night get away.  She was extremely excited as she was going to see her boyfriend and go out on the town. 

So why was she going home for only one night, you ask?  This woman, a mother of three, has been living at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center for the past three months as her son recovers from injuries sustained while serving in Afghanistan.  She has not left his side since the day he returned.  She has helped him through the twelve surgeries he's had since coming back home.  He is only 20 years old. 

I meant to write this on Friday, Veterans Day, but didn't manage to get the computer turned on.  I haven't stopped thinking about that Mother.  While talking to her I couldn't help but picture what it would be like to watch your boy go off to war and then to return in that kind of pain.  It brought tears to my eyes and I asked her to tell him thank you for everything he has done.  I just don't think I'd be able to let the little guy go off to war.  Yet Mothers all around the world have to experience it every day.

I don't want to get political with this post.  I just want to say thank you to all the men and women who sacrifice so much.  I also want to acknowledge all the strong men, women and children who are left at home while their family members are off serving their country.  Thank you.   

A First

Today I had my first MRI. It's just like on TV, except on TV you see the person in there for a minute and then they move on to the next scene.  In reality, half my body was in the tube for 40 minutes.  I was not allowed to move.  I was in a "superwoman" position on my stomach with one arm above my head.  It was the longest 40 minutes I've experienced in some time. 

I wasn't going to get into my recent health stuff on this blog until I had more information.  But I've now been to 3 doctors appointments, had blood work, x-rays, and now an MRI, and I just felt like sharing.

When I started weaning the little guy in January I began to notice some hand stiffness at night, usually when I was up to check on the kids or go to the bathroom.  I thought it was odd but expected it would clear up when my hormones got back to normal.  The weaning was a gradual process and was all wrapped up in March.  At this point my hands were so stiff at night I could no longer make a fist after periods of inactivity.  So I called our family doctor.

He told me it could be the beginning stages of osteoarthritis.  He did some blood work and the tests came back negative for a host of issues including lupus, Lyme disease and rheumatoid arthritis.  My doc told me to keep on eye on it and let him know if it got worse or if my hands started to swell.  I was also instructed to take Advil.

A few weeks later I decided that was not a good enough answer.  So I went to a Rheumatologist/arthritis specialist.  The new doc has put me on a whole bunch of ibuprofen as the original medication he chose was making me seriously nauseous all day.  He's now run a bunch of blood tests and x-rays and has not come up with anything (although apparently about one third of rheumatoid arthritis cases don't show up on blood tests).  So he sent me for an MRI.

I had not been overly concerned about the MRI until I saw the machine and was told what would happen over the next 45 minutes.  And the reason I have to share all this is because of the crazy thoughts that ran through my head as I lay immobile in that loud, cold, scary tube.  I worried they would find something that will affect my ability to be a Mom.  I worried that the scans will lead to more tests and eventually to some bad news.  I worried that I could have a disease that is going to get worse and worse until I can no longer take care of myself, let alone my kids.

I know as Mothers we all have these worries.  But today, lying in that machine, they all came exploding into my head.  When a tear escaped my eye I realized I had to pull it together.  So instead of worrying, I focused on trying to relax and thinking about the mocha I was going to treat myself to after I got the hell out of the tube.  And you'll appreciate that I paid for my mocha treat with the money I got back for returning my crappy dishwasher detergent.

I guess I will have to keep you all posted now...that's what I get for sharing.

Alone

My husband is away in Boston on business. He left on Sunday morning and gets back on Tuesday night. It's only 2 nights away but it somehow feels like an eternity.

I am an independent person, and have no problem being alone. I have even lived alone, granted it was many moons ago. I just don't like the nights in this big rental house. Our place has many windows and doors and although I know I am being irrational, I have a seriously difficult time falling asleep and staying asleep. There are so many ways to get into our home that I lie in bed listening for noises I shouldn't be hearing! I have the land line phone, my cell phone, and a flashlight on my bed side table (along with the clock, a lamp, my lip balm, kleenex and 2 baby monitors).

Being responsible for the 2 kids adds a lot of pressure. Ever since the fire in the little guy's room, I am pretty freaked out about bad things happening at night. I was asleep when the fire started, and now that I know it can happen, I have trouble letting down my guard if no one else is around. Needless to say, between the little guy's rather frequent wakings (he's been really congested for a week now and still eats twice a night), and my own paranoia, there wasn't much rest going on last night.

I only have to tough it out one more night. As I sit here and write (it's a little after 9pm), I am so exhausted I just want to go have a hot shower and pass out. But the babe is still awake for some reason and I have to wait it out. I can't get ready for bed if my toddler is still in her bed singing to herself.

Anyway, here's to all the moms out there who are way tougher than I. I certainly have a few things to learn about controlling irrational night fears. It's just too hard to be strong 24-7. Bonne nuit!

Stress a Good Thing?

They say a little stress is a good thing. But how much, I wonder? Over time, my definition of stress has changed dramatically. Beyond the things we all worry about, such as food, shelter, health and bills, I now worry about feeding my kids (and my husband and I), keeping my kids safe, potty training, sleep training, nap time, doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, ensuring our house doesn't stink like dirty diapers, etc. etc. Like most things, you can't know what it's like until you experience it for your self.

Some folks think stay-at-home moms have a pretty good deal. We get to make our own schedule and rules, do what we want, go where we want, all while clocking quality hours in front of the TV eating bon bons (of course). Others, such as a lovely construction worker man who let me load the kids and the gear into the car today before returning to his loud side walk work, think that my job is harder than his. I told him I miss the office. He replied that was cause for concern.

It really depends what time of day you catch me at, because at some moments, I am so happy to be home with my wonderful and beautiful children, at others I am barely holding it together and wishing I could just disappear. I am told this is normal. My main goal is to try and ensure there is more bliss than stress. This, however, is hard to remember when you have a toddler sitting on the potty whining at you and a baby in a bouncy chair full on crying at you. There's a reason they say patience is a virtue. But we soldier on...because that what Mamas do.

Strong Women and Mothers

My husband and I are watching the HBO miniseries John Adams. Neither of us know much about US history and we're finding it both entertaining and informative. What's getting me is how amazing John Adam's (second President of the U.S.) wife Abigail (1744-1818) is. She is a strong, intelligent and loving woman who supports her husband's work in revolutionary times. She bears five children in the space of ten years while also tending to the family farm (and I think I have no time!).

I was telling my husband last night that I could not have survived that. He reminded me that it was different times and I would have done what needed to be done. I just can't imagine raising children alone under those circumstances (her husband was off building a country a good chunk of the time). At one point, with John off at the Continental Congress in Philadelphia, Abigail decides to expose herself and her children to the pox virus in an attempt to save themselves from future infection. It is gruesome, and one of her children becomes extremely ill as a result. Again, I said to my husband that there would be no way I could hold the babe down as she was cut and the pussy pox virus was rubbed into the wound. My husband replied that I would do what's in the best interest of our daughter.

I wonder how much of the times in which we live affects the person and parent we ultimately become? I like to think I would be stronger than I currently am if need be!

Abigail's advocacy for women's rights and dedication and support of her husband's work were remarkable. At a time when women weren't in any position of power, Abigail Adams played an important role in shaping what would become the United States of America. I also love that their union was of both the heart and the mind.