And So it Begins

I thought I was ready for Day 1 of summer vacation.  I had a few things scheduled and thought we could just have "fun" the rest of the time.  As much as I tried, the "fun" I had envisioned seemed pretty hard to come by. 

Turns out I wasn't as prepared for Day 1 as I thought I was.  By the end of the day I had a son with a black eye, a daughter with no clue as to how her behavior was impacting others, and an unsavory feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

My husband came home with a fresh perspective and tried to talk us down off the ledge.  It is always helpful to have a burst of positivity come through the door following a really rough day.  After the kids were in bed, we continued to discuss how to make things better with the babe.  The conversation continued on this morning after I realized that the little guy's eye was worse than I had thought (needless to say, the babe had smacked his eye with something during a rather violent and chaotic play date).  My husband and I decided that all the talk about "being good," "doing good listening," "no yelling and hitting," wasn't getting us anywhere.  In fact it may be hurting us as we struggle to get through to her.  All this non-stop pressure to be a "good kid" has her acting exactly the opposite.

So we're going to try dropping all the "blah, blah, blah" and see how that goes.  I am sick of the sound of my own nagging voice so this is coming at a great time for me.  Another idea we're kicking around is just dropping down to our knees and hugging our little girl.  Where I would have lost my cool and gone off on her before, I am now going to try and get ahead of the situation and hug her when things seem to be taking a turn for the worse.  It will be a huge challenge for me as I don't usually feel like hugging when things are headed South.  So perhaps it will be good for both of us in the end.

Things have been going better today.  I am reminding myself that I am the adult and have to lead by example.  And I am trying to remember that my kids are kids and aren't usually acting out to get back at me.  They just don't know how to control their emotions, and I supposedly do.  My job is to teach them.  And the next 6 weeks is my chance to practice being the best Mama and person that I can be.  I think it's going to be the only way to make it to Labor Day.

So hang in there with me.  And please forgive my occasional rants.  Sometimes I just need to get it out and remember that it's not all about me and that I am not the only parent out there with a "spirited child."  Thanks for reading and please know that your thoughts are always welcome ( I won't hide it, I LOVE getting comments on my posts!).

Parenting Pointers

A few weeks ago I was having a hard time remembering all the things I'm supposed to be doing to be an awesome Mom.  So I jotted down some bullet points from my parenting classes and taped them up on the kitchen wall.  I meant to share them here for Mother's Day, but was too busy having an awesome time by myself at the outlet mall (thanks to my husband for allowing me to take off for 7 hours--the best Mother's Day present I could have asked for!). 

I hope some (or all) of the following points are helpful:

Remember:

• Be a role model
• Act more and talk less
• Love the kids when they least deserve it because that's when they need it the most
• Appreciate and acknowledge effort
• Kids love being useful so put them to work
• Be firm but friendly
• Ask kids for their ideas
• Make time to play
• Set the stage for success
• Actively listen to them
• Mistakes are OK--it's how we learn
• Connection then correction
• Encourage, encourage.  Not praise, praise.
• Explain "when...then..."  For instance, "when you finish cleaning your room, then we can go to the park."
• Set limits and don't back down under pressure
• Train kids so they can be involved.  Teach them responsibility
• Use a timer (like setting your cell phone alarm to go off when it's time to leave the park)
• Use reverse psychology
• Be more playful--make a joke to diffuse the tension
• Respect each other
• Let kids make choices
• Explain "either...or..." For instance, "either you wear the blue sweater or the green one.  Your choice."
• Discipline, not punishment
• Be more specific so they can replicate the action in the future.  For instance, "I noticed that..."
• Focus on the process, not the final product
• See things from their point of view and recognize their feelings
• Smiles, hugs, and kisses go a long way
• Stand back and don't rush in to rescue them
• Don't hold a grudge
• Simplify the kids environment
• Set realistic expectations
• Plan ahead so things can go smoothly
• Allow kids to experience the natural consequences of their actions
• Redirect attention
• Allow time for transitions
• Anticipate and prepare for difficult situations
• Stick to the routine
• Do not blow your stack when kids try to engage you in a battle--lead by example
• Have the courage to be imperfect

I'd like to thank to Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, Maryland for helping me realize the benefits of every single one of the above bullet points.  While it is impossible to do all these things at once, it sometimes helps to work on a few things every week.  I'm told that eventually it becomes second nature, although I am still eagerly anticipating that day. Until then, I'll just keep trying.

Revelations

I'd like to admit something.  Last week I was having a bit of a crisis.  I was seriously questioning how much longer I was going to last as a stay-at-home Mama.  I was feeling really heavy about it all and I was hoping the right answer would fall in my lap.  As we know, life doesn't usually work like that.

As I struggled with all my whirling thoughts, I carried on with all my stay-at-home Mama duties. 

On Cinco de Mayo, I decided to run off to the drug store to buy some nacho chips the babe could eat as she was allergic to some of the ingredients in the chips they had available in her class.  I didn't want my little girl to be stuck with guacamole and no chips to eat at her class party.  I was so happy to be able to do this simple thing for her and realized that I would not have been able to do it if I was late for the office.  One of the babe's teachers, after realizing I had run to the store, said, "You're such a great Mom!"  I'll admit that was very nice to hear. 

On Friday morning the little guy and I got to hang out in the babe's class for a few hours as the babe's classmates took turns reading to me.  Not only did I get to dive into my daughter's world, but I was reminded how different each child is and how behaviors and abilities cannot be compared.  There is no "normal" when it comes to kids and I realized I need to lower my expectations of my 4 year old on a number of fronts (like sitting still at the table).  Again, you can't do this kind of thing if you need to be at the office.

This brings me to a comment made by a Father of one of the students at the babe's school.  He is always dressed casually and seems so happy (even though he appears to be chronically late).  He never seems rushed and is always calm and loving towards his son.  We had a little chat as we left the school together one morning.  I asked him if he worked from home (being the nosy person I am).  He told me he had an office but did most of his work from his home office.  Then he made a comment which really stuck with me: "Nothing like being self employed."

I couldn't stop thinking about his words and I had a revelation of sorts.  I want to be around to run my home and support my kids.  I do not want to outsource my family and all the work that goes with it (please understand I mean no judgment on those who follow a different game plan!).  But I do want something that will allow me to engage with the world in a different way.  For some time I have been pondering what I want to be when I grow up. While there are many paths I could chose that would be fascinating, the one thing I am committed to is being an awesome Mom and Wife (work in progress). 

But when it comes down to it, I also want to write.  I realize that by announcing these intentions I am making a bit of a commitment to actually follow through, but I am going to start taking some baby steps. I am hopeful that moving forward with this idea will allow me to grow into a new part of my life.

Funny this should all happen in the week leading up to Mother's Day, no?  So from now on, I am going to stop all my questioning, embrace the craziness and awesomeness of being a stay-at-home Mama and start brainstorming (ideas welcome).

Two Stories and Three Little Birds

One of today's stories is gross and made me smile.  The other story is sweet and made me smile.

I'll start with the gross one.

My husband has been working late a lot recently which has meant that I'm on bath/bed time duty solo.  I can usually handle it due to my nightly practice of working on regaining a positive attitude as I clean the kitchen after dinner chaos and the kids watch a little chill out TV. 

So last night was a solo night and I had the babe agree that she was going to be my "helper."  This usually means she will be less likely to compete with her brother for the title of most crazed and annoyingly behaved bath time kid.  As I was getting things ready, I realized that the little guy wasn't playing with his sister, as I had thought.  I went searching and quickly discovered that he was in our bedroom.  I ran in and found the bathroom door closed.  I opened it and found the toilet room door (or whatever people call it) closed.  I opened it.  Guess what I found?

My son standing proudly with the toilet cleaner brush up by his nose and mouth.  I don't want to know what this kid was doing with the toilet brush...I just want to pretend it didn't happen.  I dragged him to the sink and gave his hands and face a good wash while repeating to myself, "gross.....gross....gross."

I managed to get them both in the bath and things went fairly smoothly for about a minute until the little guy decided it was splashing time.  So I got them both washed up quickly and got the babe standing to do the big rinse off.  The little guy started whining and the babe looked at him and started singing, "Don't worry, about a thing."  Then I kicked in, "Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright."

She looked at me stunned.  As in, "how would my Mama know anything about this music?"  I asked her where she had heard the song.  "Miss Mary's room," she replied.  "Do you know that's Bob Marley, sweetie?" I asked.  She wasn't aware of the man who made this song famous, what he stood for, or what this song has meant to me in the past.  But I tell ya, I just thought it was so cool that my 4 year old daughter just whipped out some classic Bob Marley in an attempt to make her brother happy.

In honour of the wise man, and to put a spring in your step this Friday afternoon, I present Bob Marley's Three Little Birds:

Don't worry about a thing,

cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

Singin: don't worry bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry (don't worry) bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, this is my message to you-ou-ou:

Singin: don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. don't worry!
Singin: don't worry about a thing - I wont worry!
cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right - I wont worry!
Singin: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry about a thing, oh no!
cause every little thing gonna be all right!  

Perspective

As part of my positive parenting shift, I have been trying to let go of things I can't control, or that are not worth trying to control.  And what I'm learning is that it feel good to let go.  It feels liberating to loosen the reigns.  And I am now in a position where I am looking for things that I can stop worrying about.  One of the things I no longer stress about is my daughter's ridiculous and at times inappropriate fashion sense.

Part of growing up is learning how to dress yourself.  I will admit that I was, until recently, pretty controlling in this department with my daughter.  I felt I had a better sense of her daily needs and the most recent forecast information.  There's just so much about clothing choice that my young child could not grasp, so to keep her her warm (or cool) and dry, I would choose every item she put on.

Eventually we started fighting about what she was going to wear.  I still thought I should be making these decisions so I would allow myself to engage in these battles.  There's no better way to start off your morning than a screaming match with a preschooler over clothes.

I have now come to my senses.  The babe decides what to wear, puts it on, and usually struts into our room to show off her amazing abilities to choose her outfit and cloth herself.  It is awesome, and I don't care that she looks like a nut most of the time (and I also don't care about all the put together kids at her school because they probably aren't getting to learn how to be independent and to take care of themselves!).

Sadly I allowed myself to fall into my old ways this morning.  She came in with a tank top type dress (with leggings) that her Uncle and Aunt had bought her in Argentina.  It is a very stylin' little number, but it is still cool here in DC and I didn't want her runny nose or cough to get worse, so I casually mentioned/suggested that she may be more comfortable if she put a shirt on underneath the dress.

The babe did not like being told what to do and pretty much refused to change.  She grabbed a polar fleece and said she'd wear that to keep warm.  Trouble is I know she'd take it off the second she was at school and you couldn't even see the cute dress underneath the fleece (which incidentally her Nana had bought for her in Scotland).

I managed to rummage in her dresser and pull out a sparkly T-Shirt she LOVES which had been stuck at the back of the drawer for some time.  She immediately agreed and put it on under the dress.  Mission accomplished, I thought to myself.

When I dropped her off at her class she immediately walked in and pulled up her dress to show the first kid she saw her very cool T-Shirt.  I'll admit it bugged me that she was pulling up her dress as that's not really the kind of thing I want my daughter doing so confidently in public.

I shrugged and turned to leave when I saw a young girl in the hallway one classroom down looking through her cubby.  Only thing is, she was looking through her cubby naked from the waist down.  Hmmm.  Guess there's no point in worrying about the babe showing off her T-Shirt!

At the end of the day, I suppose I just have to keep it all in perspective.

Overanalysis?

This week I had a moment of panic.  Am I over analyzing all this parenting stuff?  Am I over thinking every decision and what its potential impact on my children may be?  Does it mean that I'm slightly crazy because I'm taking a parenting class? In fact, does it make me even crazier that I have just signed up for the second session of this parenting class?

This was all brought about because I had my annual visit to the OB-GYN doctor.  I think my doctor is awesome.  She's smart, young, easy to talk to, and always makes you feel better about things (like telling you it's OK you were drinking beer before you knew you were actually pregnant).

But this week, while she reassured me that everything looks good with my body, she didn't reassure me about my parenting.  In fact, my doctor's comments made me question myself and the fact that I have pretty much dedicated myself to tackling this positive parenting stuff.  I mentioned to her that I was taking this class because I was really struggling with my "spirited" preschooler.  She made a few comments about how my daughter was just a normal kid and that it all goes with the territory. 

As I have mentioned, I am taking my course work seriously and am really trying to apply what I'm learning in the class room and in my text book to my daily life as a Mom.

I spent a good chunk of time wondering if my doc was right (and I don't like spending good chunks of valuable time questioning myself).  I brought this up with my husband, and in explaining the story to him, I came to the realization of why my doc didn't understand what I was talking about.  My doctor, as awesome as she is, has not yet become a Mother herself.  She has helped many women become Mothers (such as yours truly), but she has never been in the challenging situations in which I find myself daily (she faces much different daily challenges, I'm sure!).

As soon as I came to that realization, the questioning stopped.  And that's a good place to be.

The Second Part of the Story

Sometimes I forget to tell the whole story (kinda like my daughter).  And sometimes I need to be reminded of things (kinda like my daughter).  Thankfully my lovely cousin just wrote a great comment on my last post about mistakes.

"I love your stories Chris! Recognize the situation well. I got great advice once from a senior surgeon. He said that it wasn't that the best surgeons didn't make mistakes it was that they didn't freak out and knew how to fix them. Had a thought that you could try to shift the focus from preventing mistakes to how to fix mistakes when they happen. "Hey kiddo, I saw that you spilt some water, how do you think we should fix it?, I can help you...when I spill water I do this..."

After reading her comment, I realized I forgot to share an important part of the story. 

Once things were cleared up between the babe and I and she understood that I wasn't upset, we walked to the kitchen together to deal with the water.  I handed her some paper towels and asked if she could wipe all the water up.  I also mentioned I'd be happy to help if she needed me. 

This last part of the story is pretty critical, and I thank my cousin for reminding me of it.  After having made it through 3 parenting classes, I really can't say enough about how important it is to empower your kids, and letting them fix their own mistakes is a critical part of doing that.  It may take longer, but the end result, I hear, is worth it.

A Few Positive Moments

Things have been crazy busy around here and I have totally felt like running away on numerous occasions.

But the little happy positive moments keep me from running.

Sunday was rough as my husband had to work.  It made for a long "weekend" day with the kids.  The babe was in an inexplicable tizzy for part of the day; acting out, talking back, and sometimes even throwing things.  It wasn't a good scene. 

I was at a point where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to bed time without turning on the TV for 5 hours straight.  I was wandering around wondering what was next on the agenda when I noticed some spots on the wall in the dining room.  I grabbed a baby wipe (which I use for just about everything) and went over to scrub at the dirt.  The babe noticed that I was up to something, came over, grabbed a baby wipe (after asking if she could help) and started cleaning with me.  And guess what we did for the next hour?  We bonded and had a grand 'oll time walking around the house cleaning marks off the walls.  It was awesome.  It was productive.  And we both ended up feeling good about ourselves and each other.  Next time I'll just have to remember to call her over and get her involved in a more proactive manner. 

Another cool moment was over spilt water.  So many times I have caught myself about to loose it after a drink is spilt all over the floor. And as I'm learning in my parenting class, even if I think I'm handling the situation well, the kids can usually read my body language and can tell that I'm super annoyed that they spilt something.

The other day the babe had asked if she could get water from the cooler in a glass....not a plastic glass...a "real" glass.  I was in a good mood and told her she could try.  After she had gotten the water from the cooler I guess I got distracted by the little guy and stopped paying attention to the babe.

When I fianlly went back to the kitchen to check on the babe I narrowly missed walking into a big puddle of water on the floor and realized my daughter was nowhere to be found. 

I called after her and asked if she was OK.  I didn't get an answer so I continued on to say that I had noticed there was a bunch of water on the floor and that it was OK.  "I AM NOT MAD AT YOU, HONEY....IT'S OK," I yelled upstairs.  She came down and said "Really, Mama?  You're not mad at me?"  The poor kid was so distressed over spilling her water that she had taken off upstairs before I had a chance to notice and freak out.  She then thanked me for telling her it was OK; and I have to tell you, it felt so good to hear that.

So yes, I patted myself on the back for a job well done.  But I also realized that I need to LOOSEN UP a bit if running away from the crime scene was her initial reaction (like Mama like daughter!).

Kids make mistakes.  Parents make mistakes.  And I'm working on drawing attention to my mistakes so the babe knows it's OK to make them.  I'm also trying to not jump down her throat when she happens to make them.  We're not perfect...and that's OK.