I realize now that yesterday's post was rather self indulgent and privileged sounding. Last night I was thinking about what I'd written and it dawned on me that I really should be focussing on how lucky I am to even be in the position I'm in.
As I watched Mothers trying to find food and shelter for their children in drought stricken East Africa on the BBC last night, I was reminded that I have no right to complain about my lack of independent travel and people watching opportunities. I chose my path and am blessed to be on it. The feeling alive sensation I had over the weekend was just a different version of the one I normally have now (like when everything is going smashingly well with my family).
I have never had both feet fully in the stay-at-home Mama thing, and have always wondered how long I would last with this job title. What I have trouble dealing with is the idea that it could go on endlessly unless I actively pursue another path. The more I think about it, the more I realize that path is going to have to be flexible and balanced. Needless to say, that isn't going to be easy to find.
As I ran from errand to errand this morning with the little guy in tow, I remembered how busy and important my job really is. It may not be what I was trained to do, but for now I am the best person to do it. No one else can be a Mama to my kids and for now, while they are so young, I think my efforts are best focused on the home front. If I can't get everything done now, I can't imagine how strung out I'd feel if I was at an office full time.
What I haven't told you is that I have arranged for the little guy to join a co-op nursery school for 2 mornings a week in September. He is ready to be away from me and I am excited to have found what appears to be a very loving and play based environment for him. It will also amount to 5 hours of "alone" time for me. This will be the first regular 5 hours a week I have had alone in almost 5 years. I know the time will go by fast, but I am already excited by all the things I hope to achieve with my special time.
Don't get me wrong, everything I said yesterday is still true (and self indulgent, but I really do want that feeling alive feeling more!!). But so is this. I just wanted to make sure I put out a balanced picture when sending my thoughts to the universe.
1 comment:
I think it is ok to want that feeling more. It does sometimes feel isolating and dull to be a SAHM. I think if you folow what makes you feel alive, bit by bit it will lead you out into a new life with work and family balance. And as your kids get older it will be good for them to see you following your bliss, too.
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